is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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