He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
