Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
