90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
