A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
