cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
