Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
