I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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