Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
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I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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