When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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