I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
