They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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