When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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