I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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