What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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