life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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