Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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