Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
