Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Is it because I queefed?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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