dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I just gift wrapped bread.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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