I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
