yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
