so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
