Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
