If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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