I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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