I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The air was thick with penises
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
