I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
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I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize