The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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