Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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