she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
