if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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