It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
