you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
me + whiskey = a bad person
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
