No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
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So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
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I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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