The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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