You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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