I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
