If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
