my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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