Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
