I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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