I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he fucked my hip out of place.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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