my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
