I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
