I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
