just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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