It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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