Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i wish my penis had a tongue
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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