booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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