He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
