You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
