I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
