The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
