I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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