don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
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Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
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I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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