Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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