you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
A bitchslap is in order.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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