my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
