Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
