You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.