you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.