I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
