Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
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