dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
