he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
